Don't think, I tell myself.
Just do what makes you happy.
It's frightening to think that maybe all life has in store for you is a big fat screw up.
That you're just going to be one of those people, who'll constantly struggle, who'll wait and wait, who'll keep trying, who'll keep believing... but who will never quite break the surface. That in this lifetime, certain things will just not be meant for you to have. And you're just meant to watch by the sidelines.
You think that when certain things happen, there must be a reason. Some grander meaning to all this. Unforeseen forces guiding your way. Call it faith, fate, whatever you like. But what if there isn't?
What if things just happen because life can be shit.
And here you are, holding out for some higher meaning, some sign, some reason.
You let yourself be guided by how you feel, you tell yourself there must be more to it than this. There has to be some meaning behind these things happening. What if the answer is simply that you messed up? You followed your heart instead of your mind. And you were foolish to do so.