Drafted the post below sometime end 2013. I hate writing these things & I hate even more re-reading them because I always feel so foolish the next day -_- I sometimes used to tear out & throw away diary entries for this precise reason. At that moment all you're feeling is "I'm sad & I just want to be sad", but the next day you're like, "Omg wtfbbq was that omg I am so embarrassing get a grip on yourself".
Nonetheless, it was a big part of my 2013.
I've some other entries drafted that I may one day put up when I find them less mortifying…
Anyhow, I'm much better now!
Cheers to 2014!
*inserts Whatsapp muscle arm emoticon*
I don't usually do these reflections/resolutions because well… I hate acknowledging the shortfalls I guess. But this year I've too damn many. I really need to wake up. To sum up my 2013, I became retarded with age.
I haven't updated this space much. Aside from losing the drive to blog & altogether having lost the drive to put my thoughts into words, I've spent many weeks having to hide how I'm feeling. I always feel like I have to be so careful about everything I say, when really all I want to be able to say is how much I'm hurting.
2013 flew by relatively decently for me in terms of school & work. I finally closed a chapter on my education & entered a new one & I'm grateful that both thus far progressed relatively smoothly.
This year however, I made far too many mistakes & far too many stupid decisions. I became weak, so weak. I accepted & put up with far too many things I never should have. I let toxic relationships continue when I should have put a stop to them, or never started them. I gave in all the time, I let myself get sucked back in, & I let myself get hurt, over & over again. I said once, earlier this year, about how I didn't even feel anymore. That turned out to be false. I feel, a lot, & I wish I could stop it. I was a stronger person 5 years ago & it's horrible to think that if my younger self saw me today, she would be so disappointed.
I don't even know what to wish for in 2014 anymore. If they say that time heals all wounds, then I hope it passes faster. Despite some previously bad experiences, I had never felt afraid to enter a new relationship, or to put myself out there again. But now I am. I'm scared of hurting this much again, scared of how many more of these I might have to go through. Yet at the same time that's all I crave, for someone to take me away from all of this.