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It's that time of the year again

Sunday, November 23, 2014
Dug out my diary (my actual, pen-to-paper-one) & flipped through entries I had long forgotten writing. Many struck a chord with me as much as the day I wrote them... which was probably a bad idea since they made me feel as shitty as I was feeling then. One in particular stood out to me today:

(30 July 2013)

I'm a mess. I'm all over the place. I don't know how to be, how to act, what to do, because being me just isn't good enough. I'm just not right & I don't know why & I try so hard to be & that just makes things worse. I don't know how to be the person you want & that you won't get sick of. I feel like... I just don't have much to offer.

I read that & crumpled into tears, because I've never stopped feeling that way or worse, BEING that way. I'm always trying to be the perfect fit for every kind of person, or group. I try never to be too this or too that, because I have to fit into so many roles at the same time. I try to play it as safe as possible, so that I can please as many as I can. Online, I'm a bit bitchy, a bit girly, a bit emo, a bit aggressive, a bit passive, a bit hipster, a bit mainstream... "will I seem too this if I do this?" I'm a bit everything & all nothing. If you asked me who am I really, or what am I like really, purely, wholly... I have no clue. And I thought we were taught that we can achieve anything if we try hard enough. So I did & I do. I push & change & scrutinise & obsess, & then I break down when I realise that no matter how hard I try, I will never be the right one, no matter how much I want it.

15 comments on "It's that time of the year again"
  1. Most people are all sorts of bits of various types. That is real. That is good. People who are an archetype are usually faking most of it, though one in a million or 10 million may actually be an archetype.

    It is good to seek to be better. But feeling too down because you are unsatisfied with your actions isn't usually useful. A bit of self-criticism that spurs you to be better is great, but it has to be within reason.

  2. I think you might enjoy the song Human by Christina Perry. I know how you feel and that song has calmed me down so many times before~
    You shouldn't worry so much about what other people think of you. Be too much of everything if that's what you want and if people can't handle it, too bad. Be you.

    Lucy Hart

  3. Anonymous9:07 PM

    Maybe it is about no about trying to please someone else or trying to be someone. Your flaws and choices make you who you are and that's why you are unique in your own ways. When you ask your friends or family I am sure they accept you as you are now, even though you feel lost now. It's completely normal... :)

  4. Anonymous2:43 AM

    It's your expectations. To some guy out there you will be the 'right' one without even trying. But then you might not even give him the time of day. Well, you deserve someone attractive enough that you consciously seek to please anyway... not just settle for somebody.

  5. Anonymous5:28 AM

    You can't please everyone. Being blunt, being passive, being traditional, being progressive... what's the "right" way to be? I think as long as you're not a huge racist/sexist/misogynistic asshole that is horrible and hurtful to everyone, you should just say and act how you feel. People that you'll gel with will just naturally flock to you.

  6. Anonymous11:59 PM

    "The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself...Every other relationship is a plus and not a must…Stay close to what you believe in and be true to yourself.

    Even when I went off brand and lost my confidence, I had to go back to what and who I was to get clarity. Be true to what you are. If you are true to what you are, then any mistake you make is yours. The worst is to make mistakes with what someone else envisions and about something you really don't believe in.

    It goes back to being the best you can be and to being you. Do not try to hide behind something that isn't you and then you lose yourself. That breeds insecurity. Insecurity is really bad. Toxic. You must work at your truth every single day. Sometimes I wake up and think I am a total loser, but then I work at it, and (turn that negative around)."

    -Diane von Furstenburg

  7. Anonymous3:29 AM

    You shouldn't wear a masks in every group You meet. It's good to have at least one person who can accept the way You think and who You are. Don't try to be diffrent just because people want You to be. You will feel like not yourself (i felt the same as You, but i find out that wasn't the way which made me happy at all). The faster you get it the faster You will feel good and acceptable. If people whose You are hanging around will start to avoid You that will mean they are not woth You and maybe You will see someone who likes You the way You are;) Because this is Your life and be who You want to be. (sorry for too much of "You"xD and grammar) just be YOURSELF^_^ and everything will work out;)

  8. Anonymous6:38 PM

    But what about who YOU want yourself to be? maybe you don't know exactly what kind of person you want yourself to be (most of us don't either and thats ok) but you can start by doing little things purely for your own sake and not think about what others might think of it. Perhaps you'll then get to know yourself better and you'll be less concerned about what people think of you!

  9. I feel like this so many times. I think it's common to be so different. I mean figuring out who we are is a lifetime task. -Hanna Lei

  10. Anonymous7:00 PM

    i understand how you feel. why not shift the focus to yourself? take some time off to develop yourself instead of giving people what they want. it is satisfying when you make an effort to improve yourself and see your own progress :)

  11. Hey Sophie, I feel like that all the time especially now that I started Uni. Everyone is so pretty, smart, cool, more sociable, more influencial, etc. And you know what, something that helps me get through about myself trying to please everyone, is this phrase " Those who matter won't mind, those who mind don't matter." Those that actually care about the real me are the ones I won't get tired being with all day.

    It's probably hard to stick to this phrase all the time cuz sometimes the ppl who don't matter, we do need their help sometimes or just in the current situation we have to work with them.

    Sure it's tough to execute that thought all the time, since we're all human, it's just in us, at the end of the day we just want to be accepted by others. But just remember, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

  12. This post hit that spot in me and I can absolutely relate to this.You're not alone.

    Maybe it's some quarter-life crisis.. When I realise I can't please everyone, it hurts and it hurts even more when it's a close friend I thought had accepted you. And now, I tend to find myself withdrawing from more people (even social media). I hope you'll be able to find that power soon.

  13. Anonymous9:11 PM

    You are genuine enough to be posting this online. So many lifestyle bloggers these days create the image of a perfect life, and would probably not write about their difficulties or struggles. And genuineness is a really great (and increasingly rare) quality to have :) Cheer up!

  14. Anonymous1:00 PM

    I've been following you, Xiaxue and Qiuqiu for years and yet have never commented on any of your posts. This one, however, strikes a chord with me- I've just started uni and I feel the exact same way :(

  15. If it's any consolation, love— you're not alone.