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Saturday, May 14, 2016

I find myself in these moods all the time. Sure when I'm out, with people, doing things... I laugh, I joke, I smile on cue for the camera... I post pictures, I look happy...

When I'm alone I cry so easily & so often it's embarrassing. 
I don't even know why I'm crying.

It hit me the other day:

I'm unhappy.

I've been unhappy for a really long time.
I can't even remember the last time I was happy.

I don't quite understand. I don't understand how it's like to be happy. To have your general state of being - happy. Sure some things make me happy here & there; favourite foods, playing with cats, a piece of good news... But they just feel like small patches in a big cloud of unhappiness.

I don't know how to stop being unhappy.
I don't know what I'm looking for, what will make me happy.
I don't know what to search for, where to start.

17 comments on "Unhappy"
  1. Anonymous8:16 PM

    Hope you feel better soon Sophie! Jiayou!

  2. I want to give you a big hug! I have these ''depression'' times once or twice a year that can last a month. I laugh and smile with friends but when I get home I feel like doing nothing and start crying for no reason that it scares me. I don't know how I get rid of this unhappiness. It just goes away somehow. I know how you feel and maybe it's just that you are sensitive person and something inside you is just bothering. It takes time to figure out what is going on sometimes :c big hug and I wish you the best!! <3

  3. I understand how you feel. I had that feeling some years ago. I feel that happiness is a choice. However, when I was feeling unhappy, to hear those words didn't make me feel any better and quite honestly, it somewhat annoyed me. But after awhile, I started to realize the meaning behind those words and realized just how true it was. Find something that you enjoy doing to make yourself feel happy again. Is there anything that you used to love doing that would always put a smile on your face? Maybe it's spending time with family or friends. Or maybe the things that you mentioned, or possibly something even bigger. For me it was writing my novel. Yet, sometimes what you may need in order to return back to that state of happiness, is to feel balanced.

    Either way, the happiness you are looking for is within yourself and I hope that you find it soon. :)

  4. Hmm, maybe you could start by identifying what makes you unhappy to being with and make baby steps from there.

  5. I know how you feel. I was during a period of time extremely unhappy. I experienced the same thing. I would sob when I'm alone and I didn't know why. But when I'm with friends I'm completely fine. I went so far as to get medicated. I saw a specialist and he said I had depression. Why? I don't know why. He put me on a list of medications and honestly. My physical body felt happy. But I still wasn't actually happy. It felt like a feigned, physical happiness.

    But now I'm content. And I'm happy. Why? Because I found God and found identity in Christ.

    Lol. I'm not trying to evangelize you. But what I found in religion, which you can emulate elsewhere, is a community and purpose. I developed a purpose in life and that made me happy. Also, I found a community which gave me the opportunity to talk about my struggles openly, and to have people rally around me for them. So the talking with them helped. It wasn't instant. It took a good two years for me to start being ok. But I think it's good that you're acknowledging the issue and you're reaching out for help. Know that you're not alone and that you have people (like I would) who would be willing to listen to you. :)

  6. Hi Sophie, silent reader here. You can be sad. But I believe there are people who genuinely care about you. Hope you can find a reason to be happy again. For them at least, at first. Keep the faith, that people who hurt you and made you this way, will fade away. The ones who matter will stay with you.

  7. Anonymous5:32 PM

    Hey Sophie, I felt like this for years - finally had some personal crisis which brought everything to a head and went to a doctor. I described it as feeling like everyone around me was drunk all the time and I wasn't. He diagnosed depression and put me on anti-depressants for a while. I'd really suggest speaking to someone about this - a doctor can forward you to a therapist if you don't want/need medication. I thought it was normal for years and then it hit me that it really isn't normal to never feel truly happy and not remember ever having that feeling. Sending you best wishes x

  8. Hey Sophie, I've been a reader of your blog for a few years now! Just wanted to share my experience with you... I have felt that way before too, in a constant state of unhappiness and dissatisfaction and also not knowing what the point of life was. However, I found God and knew Jesus as my personal Saviour.. so now I believe that my life purpose, hope, and joy is found in knowing Jesus Christ personally and being able to spend eternity with him. I think this has definitely helped pull me out of my unhappiness and purposeless mindset because now I have a reason to live and I know that there is someone beyond this earth and I know that someone personally which gives me a hope and constant underlying joy whether I am going through life's highs or lows.

    People in the Bible have also shared about their experience with depression and how God helped them:
    "I waited patiently for the Lord;
    And He inclined to me and heard my cry.
    He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
    And He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.
    He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
    Many will see and fear
    And will trust in the Lord." - Psalm 40:1-3

    Hopefully it doesn't come across as preachy! I just wanted to share because this is something that really changed my life completely for the better and I honestly have faith in. Ultimately I think one of the best things about knowing Jesus, is having that constant hope that I can look towards and expect to be with one day, in the midst of this dark unsatisfying world.

    Lastly I will leave you with one of my favourite quotes from CS Lewis...

    "If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.”

  9. Dek Noi10:40 AM

    Hi Sophie,

    For a long time as well, I've felt that way. You try to make sense of it and find the source. Try to fix it.

    I used to think one of those soul-searching trips or someone new in my life can bring back the balance. But those things are escapes, temporary relief from the eternity of this "dark cloud".

    What I've found is that this dark cloud is always there. For such is life. The best we can do (imho), is to ignore it as its one helluva demanding (in terms of time, attention etc.) dark cloud lol. My solution is to go through the motions, function as society dictates and try our best to feel less bored in our free time. Outside of work, recreation and not being bored is very important in order to ignore this 'cloud'. Not so much to escape from it, but more like not giving it anymore thought. Not letting the cloud affect you.

    It won't go away, but we can make this cloud not matter anymore. The important thing is not to get rid of it (cos it won't go away) but to accept its presence. This is a mega non-answer but this is my way of not letting the cloud get to me. It is an acceptance that in the grand scheme of things, nothing really means anything but we still go through the motions (otherwise life would be too boring). A psychic 'meh.' umbrella is also useful when it rains. Cheer up! XOXO

  10. Anonymous12:02 PM

    If you're constantly around people, spend time alone with yourself and try a new daily routine of doing things. Maybe we search for a meaning in life, or that we think there's something better out there for us and that causes us pain. It's hard but just know that many of us feel the same way like you do, and that we mask it well instead of showing our vulnerabilities and honest feelings.

    Hope you feel better the next day and for many days to come.

  11. Hey Sophie, I feel you.
    I lock my emotions up in front of others too, only to unlock it when I'm alone.
    It happens.
    It hurts.
    It's nothing to feel ashamed about.
    You have worth apart from your looks and achievements.
    Don't stop believing that.
    I hope you feel better soon.
    Stay well!

  12. Anonymous8:04 AM

    That's reality bae. Almost everyone is unhappy in Singapore because let's face it, life sucks here unless you're rich. Look at the positive side, at least you're Born with good looks and you're tall. Not forgetting you have good health also. Perhaps you want to start your business? Start saving for the capital if you are.

  13. Anonymous7:46 PM

    This will give you an idea of how much a Nuffnang blogger earn from each advertorial

  14. When I was your age, I thought happiness was a big thing, that I wasn't normal or grateful if I crave for more. More of what, I didn't exactly know. But I wasn't happy. Unlike you, I express my unhappiness in anger. Which made me seem like an overgrown angsty teenager. Except that I really wasn't, I just didn't feel right.

    Eventually I kind of grew out of it. Not that I'm Ms Brightside now but I am less unhappy. The pendulum swings less wildly. I didn't do anything in particular to get out of the rut. Life happens and bigger things and feelings will envelope what you have now. As a mid-thirties person, I can safely say that life will get better and worse. I wish I can tell you that life isn't supposed to be this hard, and sometimes it truly is quite amazing, but yeah, it can also be ridiculously shitty.

    Find something new to obsess about. All the time. It is scientifically proven that the process of obsession creates a state of joy, or something like that. I played Sims all the time, then I read all the time, then I got a dog!

    Whatever it is, I hope you hang in there. It will get better.

  15. I hope you're not hiding this from people who care about you. Sounds like you need someone to talk to maybe. Maybe you should seek counseling. Or may be try to address the things that are making you unhappy. Sometimes it's the things in life that bring us down or the internal fights we have with ourselves.

  16. Hello Sophie! I've been reading your blog and Formspring since your NUS days (and I was in NUS Soci too, just a couple of years younger).

    I've always seen you as a role model, because you seem to have it all together. You study hard, you make time for your mom (I remember you once replied a question on FormSpring that you chose not to stay in hall because you didn't want your mom to be alone at home) and you're funny. When people say you're a role model to them, it's a nice way of saying they are JELLY AS HELL :)

    I'm afraid I have no words of advice (unlike the life gurus who commented above me), but I genuinely hope you feel better soon.

    P.S. Your Taiwan post ("CAT CAT CAT CAT") made me smile! :)

  17. Anonymous4:31 PM

    Psychologist weighing in here - depression can often feel like you're stuck and everything looks grey and uninteresting. And the thing that really sucks is that sometimes feeling unhappy makes you feel guilty for not appreciating the life you have, which causes you to feel even more unhappy. You may not know what is causing you to feel like this, and sometimes it's just a combination of an imbalance in chemicals triggered by a series of small events. My advice is to seek help - which i know know is a lot harder within a society where there is still stigma against mental health issues - where the "suck it up and work hard" mentality is ingrained. But it can be incredibly helpful, and i'm not just advocating as a therapist, i've also been on the other side more than a few times. If you want to just build skills and strategies to ward off the melancholy you can without a hint of Freudian psychoanalysis. OR if you want to talk through and explore the depths of your psyche to gain some insight that's fine as well. I know it feels pretty crap right now, but emotions will come and go.

    If therapy doesn't quite sit with you - here is a useful resource for self help for depression from a cognitive-behavioural perspective (gold standard for depression):

    Good luck, and make sure to keep doing all the little things which make you feel happy (even if it's just temporary). Withdrawal will take you to a darker place, so keep your activity level up by doing things, no matter how small.

    (p.s. - I have no idea when i started following your blog, or even how? I don't even live in singapore or really read blogs at all, but I think I identified as a fellow 20-something halfie and thought you had an interesting life)