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Midnight Musings

Monday, September 05, 2016
Sometimes I feel like... I wish I could redo things all over?

Start all over from when things were really simple, where all you did was follow instructions & your biggest decision was when to do your homework. Where you didn't have to make decisions that could affect the rest of your life. It's ironic but kids, your parents are right. Study hard, do well. I'll always regret not studying harder. I didn't do terribly, but the idea of not having done better, done more, done my best, will haunt me eternally. I can't say I would be happier if I had pursued a different academic route or career; life compromises of a lot more than that. But it would be one less thing to think about.

I perpetually find myself at a crossroad. Do I settle & make the best out of what I have right now? Or do I give it my all, say heck it & pursue something new, even if it means wasting another 4 years doing another degree and/or moving overseas? I did genuinely enjoy studying Sociology (my major), but interest & reality don't always coincide. And majoring in Sociology was never my goal. It was a lucky outcome because it turns out I enjoy it, but because it wasn't ever my plan, I have a never-ending list of What Ifs.

Sometimes I think about furthering my studies. I enjoy school, I always did. But again, interests & practicality often don't align. And I ask myself, maybe it's just time to suck it up & move on into the real world. Get a normal job, climb the corporate ladder... stop wasting time.

I try to console myself by stalking my peers. Of course some turned out to be overachievers. I feel jealous, with those feelings of That Should Be Me. At some juncture in their lives, they had a turning point & suddenly flourished. On the other hand, I look at some with prestigious backgrounds, promising prospects... & then just an average outcome. Maybe it's better to be one of those people who hit their peak later. You spend your early life feeling average, believing you're average & at some point, you develop your passion or skills & excel at them. The other group, is consistently above average at most stages in their lives & is above average at most things, but never excels at any of them. Yet there is a greater level of expectation placed on them due to the fact that they were comparatively above average from the start, which would lead to a greater sense of letdown.

I sometimes think I've already hit my peak. Or rather, my chance to have peaked. That that time was probably in my late teens to early twenties, when I was young & still studying. I had the luxury of time. I could have explored a million different things, maybe found something to concentrate on & excel at. Instead I dabbled in everything & excelled at nothing. I did some modelling, but never explored it seriously. I did decently well in school, but not enough to make something serious out of it. I could have done more with my blog, but it just ended up as a hobby & mild sideline.

I struggle with this inclination to want to do everything & anything. I end up doing a bit of everything & never fully concentrating on one thing. It's always safer to do a bit of all, to not put your eggs all in one basket. I could have taken a loan, gone overseas & studied something I really wanted, rather than sticking with what was safe - a degree at a local university. It's easy to say "follow your dreams". But reality hits you with constraints like time, finances, family, opportunities forgone... Did you know an overseas degree can easily cost half a million dollars (schooling + living cost)? It's an insane debt to start your adult life with. But is it worth it if it means you got to live your dream? Maybe. Is it too late now?

People always say it's never too late. But come on. It comes to a point where uprooting your current life to pursue your dreams just gets increasingly difficult. So I try to learn to settle. My peers seem happy, they tell me they're happy. We could all have achieved more, but we didn't. So I'm waiting for new priorities in my life to come; waiting for them to overshadow all my What Ifs & relegate them to It Doesn't Matter Anyway. Because right now with nothing in particular to be looking forward to in my future, my past is still casting its shadow of regret.