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Sunday, January 19, 2014
[2014 edit]

Drafted the post below sometime end 2013. I hate writing these things & I hate even more re-reading them because I always feel so foolish the next day -_- I sometimes used to tear out & throw away diary entries for this precise reason. At that moment all you're feeling is "I'm sad & I just want to be sad", but the next day you're like, "Omg wtfbbq was that omg I am so embarrassing get a grip on yourself".

Nonetheless, it was a big part of my 2013. 
I've some other entries drafted that I may one day put up when I find them less mortifying… 
Anyhow, I'm much better now!

Cheers to 2014!
*inserts Whatsapp muscle arm emoticon*

[/2014 edit]

I don't usually do these reflections/resolutions because well… I hate acknowledging the shortfalls I guess. But this year I've too damn many. I really need to wake up. To sum up my 2013, I became retarded with age.

I haven't updated this space much. Aside from losing the drive to blog & altogether having lost the drive to put my thoughts into words, I've spent many weeks having to hide how I'm feeling. I always feel like I have to be so careful about everything I say, when really all I want to be able to say is how much I'm hurting. 

2013 flew by relatively decently for me in terms of school & work. I finally closed a chapter on my education & entered a new one & I'm grateful that both thus far progressed relatively smoothly.

This year however, I made far too many mistakes & far too many stupid decisions. I became weak, so weak. I accepted & put up with far too many things I never should have. I let toxic relationships continue when I should have put a stop to them, or never started them. I gave in all the time, I let myself get sucked back in, & I let myself get hurt, over & over again. I said once, earlier this year, about how I didn't even feel anymore. That turned out to be false. I feel, a lot, & I wish I could stop it. I was a stronger person 5 years ago & it's horrible to think that if my younger self saw me today, she would be so disappointed.

I don't even know what to wish for in 2014 anymore. If they say that time heals all wounds, then I hope it passes faster. Despite some previously bad experiences, I had never felt afraid to enter a new relationship, or to put myself out there again. But now I am. I'm scared of hurting this much again, scared of how many more of these I might have to go through. Yet at the same time that's all I crave, for someone to take me away from all of this.

12 comments on "2013"
  1. Anonymous12:30 AM

    This is very very true..... i find myself murmuring ' too' in my head as i read. But jiayou sophie! Things pass, people moved on, you can too :)

  2. Gambatte sophie, do not let others bring you down.

    ''Everyone hurt each other. but this is the condition of existence
    To become spring, you have to risk winter
    To become presence, you have to risk absence. ''

    It's better to have nobody than someone who is half there, or nothing at all.
    Be Strong sophie. Your the woman i look up to 3 years ago, and you still are.
    Dont be afraid, and let it go. the past has closed to a new chapter .
    It's hard, but just take a leap of faith! \O/

  3. Anonymous1:10 AM

    I know how you feel when you say you hated writing all these emo post and even more re-reading them, but somehow venting is the only way out. You just keep yourself writing all the jumbled emotions n thoughts until a point that you see it as a third person and you think to youself, why are you so depressed at the first place. Thats how i feel though. Anyway, jia you!

  4. Sophie I hope you the best in 2014. -Hanna Lei

  5. Time does not necessarily heal, but allowing yourself to love yourself more will. Take some time off and just find out what you really want and love instead of pleasing others. I wish you all the best~ Its a new year after all, so cheers to new beginnings ;)

  6. Anonymous11:18 AM

    I experience the same yo! Five years ago I broke up with my first bf and I get over it quite quickly and I don't feel so sad & bad :( now I experience another broke up again and I feel so terrible. I kept giving in and compromise with all the stupid stuff :( I also wonder where is the old tough me :(
    Anyway Sophie be strong! We will always by your side! *insert whatsapp's muscle arm emoticon*

  7. Wow, Sophie... thank you for baring your feelings to readers first off. In doing so, I think you're also doing yourself a favor by allowing yourself to come to terms with all that has happened and you've experienced.

    Please, please do not feel ashamed or mortified or be convinced in the slightest you became more so retarded with age. No such thing, missy! I'm a bit older than you but I can assure you will look back on this and realize everything you have felt and are feeling right now are essential to uniquely your (&yours only) self-actualization.

    You've not gotten weaker at all... Quite the contrary. In feeling hurt and addressing that hurt you actually get to know yourself like you never had before. Yeah it sucks to get hurt and by someone proven to be so undeserving of that 'authority' but a stronger, more clearly YOU can only be born thru such an experience. (Sorta like a phoenix in Harry Potter context born through combustion and ashes.)

    What I'm trying to say is you're indeed a phoenix now. And that is what every trial and bad experience has made of you... be proud of yourself, girl! You've got it so good for yourself--need I remind you as far as intellect and looks, you were never lacking? Are you gonna let one more little trial hold you back?

    Pft... you have never been more desirable as a woman--a woman made from experience! If anything, this is a milestone of your womanhood, embrace it! So don't hide your pain, your experience anymore and go show the world what you got!

  8. Same here. I totally understand why you feel this way and I do not need to know what kind of relationship you are talking about because pain is pain. We should stop hurting but everything takes time. You are stronger than you think. For me it was 13-years relationship + 1 year of marriage. I lost everything and realised you can never be sure what the other person is really like. Sad.
    Stay strong. I love your blog.

  9. jiayou Sophie! i can relate somewhat, and the best thing about all of these is the knowledge that it's not permanent and everything's going to turn out okay sooner or later. hang in there! :)

  10. Anonymous6:48 PM

    dear sophie! thanks for updating, i've been checking back! feeling as hurt and disappointed too, but someone told me this which i found a lil helpful, "you can never ever ever get back together".

  11. Anonymous6:09 AM

    "Woe to those who were never beaten! They will never be winners in this life." Just thought you might wanna check out this book Manscript Found in Accura by Paulo Coelho. I think it might help you go through these feelings of feeling weak or vulnerable. Cheers. Don't waste your beauty on toxic things.