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Saturday, May 14, 2016

I find myself in these moods all the time. Sure when I'm out, with people, doing things... I laugh, I joke, I smile on cue for the camera... I post pictures, I look happy...

When I'm alone I cry so easily & so often it's embarrassing. 
I don't even know why I'm crying.

It hit me the other day:

I'm unhappy.

I've been unhappy for a really long time.
I can't even remember the last time I was happy.

I don't quite understand. I don't understand how it's like to be happy. To have your general state of being - happy. Sure some things make me happy here & there; favourite foods, playing with cats, a piece of good news... But they just feel like small patches in a big cloud of unhappiness.

I don't know how to stop being unhappy.
I don't know what I'm looking for, what will make me happy.
I don't know what to search for, where to start.